SO I didn't realize this emotion because I never really was exposed or had the chance to interact with it. It was odd and I felt disconcerted at first. I haven't had that much luck in the past with my relationships but in on I had more memorable experiences in a particular one. And thinking back i remember little things that made me smile but it's weird thinking it wasn't for me.
It all started when I logged on Facebook this evening. I know it's known as Stalker-book, but I do like to keep up with people, even those that don't talk to me any more. On my mini-feed I saw that my ex, David, was tagged in some new pictures by his girlfriend. So I thought I'd take a gander at them because I still think he's cute and it makes me happy that he's happy. But then she was also in the pictures and in one in particular she's wearing a sweatshirt. What's so significant about this particular sweatshirt? well . . It was David's.
It was a little bit irking to see her wearing it. I had worn it a fair few times when him and I dated and I guess it was just unsettling seeing it on her. And I can't attack her looks because she's pretty. She has beautiful green eyes and she's about the same build as me. I just had never had to deal with the feeling of her having what I had. It isn't exactly jealousy but more regret and general reminiscing. I'm sad because she has what I once had not what I don't have, and have now lost. Maybe its as Shakespeare says though 'Tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"
I still think back to him and wonder what I could have done differently. I was there for him in everyway I could be. I supported his decisions, I took care of him when he was sick and I even visited him as much as I could even though he was 2 and ½ hours away. I had the feeling I finally mattered to someone that wasn't just a friend but more. And then it ended on his accord, not mine. And I still have attachment to him. I've moved on as much as I could but a part of me will always be with him.
Come to think of it, that's how I am with most people I care about. I get attached to people and I can't let them go and I don't want to. I know my flaws and I can step back and see them but I still have trouble changing them. I like being with people who care about me and whom I care about but I never want it to end. I'm sure I have abandonment issues and attachment issues and many more things a shrink could diagnose me with but I don't care. If it causes me to miss people and happier times then so be it.
I know I need to be my own person and be able to live without another being but it's hard and I'm working on it; but I'm taking steps. I've at least moved out of my house. The next step after a while is getting my own place. ha ha ANyways . . . .
Just writing to get my thoughts out of my head and into reality lol but for now I bid you adieu.
Current Music: Flogging Molly - The likes of You Again