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xhenxhen
30 March 2009 @ 08:25 pm
Well for those of you who don't know, I'm moving back to MI and I'll be back tomorrow. I have the Penske truck I rented all packed up sans my futon and my desk; both of which will be packed as of later tonight. So tomorrow I'm getting up and driving home. For now I'm moving in with my brother until I find a job and a car and then I'll start looking for a room mate and an apartment. And also hopefully, after I have all those things done, I'll start taking classes at a community college and figure out what I want to do. But everything starts with the small step that I'm taking tomorrow by coming home. So see you all soon. Gonna be in town tomorrow night. Woot!

<3~~Cindy
 
 
Current Mood: pessimisticweary
Current Music: BNL - When I Fall http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7ttA65VMeA
 
 
xhenxhen
08 March 2009 @ 03:21 am
I went walking in the rain today.

I didn't mean to worry anyone.

I just needed to think and figure things out for my self.

A lot of things have changed for me in the last week and because of it I'm just feeling particularly more lost at the moment.

Wish I had the words to say what I feel and explain everything but I don't.

I think that's what I was searching for.

Don't even know why I left.

I was sick of it all, sick of the uneasiness.

I needed to move, to focus, on something that wasn't my mind.

Walking was the only immeadiate option that seemed to fulfill my want for action.

SO I left; without a word, with out a clue, without a second thought.
 
 
xhenxhen
16 January 2009 @ 05:33 am
 
 
Current Mood: chippermusical
 
 
xhenxhen
03 November 2008 @ 11:10 pm
SO I didn't realize this emotion because I never really was exposed or had the chance to interact with it. It was odd and I felt disconcerted at first. I haven't had that much luck in the past with my relationships but in on I had more memorable experiences in a particular one. And thinking back i remember little things that made me smile but it's weird thinking it wasn't for me.

It all started when I logged on Facebook this evening. I know it's known as Stalker-book, but I do like to keep up with people, even those that don't talk to me any more. On my mini-feed I saw that my ex, David, was tagged in some new pictures by his girlfriend. So I thought I'd take a gander at them because I still think he's cute and it makes me happy that he's happy. But then she was also in the pictures and in one in particular she's wearing a sweatshirt. What's so significant about this particular sweatshirt? well . . It was David's.

It was a little bit irking to see her wearing it. I had worn it a fair few times when him and I dated and I guess it was just unsettling seeing it on her. And I can't attack her looks because she's pretty. She has beautiful green eyes and she's about the same build as me. I just had never had to deal with the feeling of her having what I had. It isn't exactly jealousy but more regret and general reminiscing. I'm sad because she has what I once had not what I don't have, and have now lost. Maybe its as Shakespeare says though 'Tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"

I still think back to him and wonder what I could have done differently. I was there for him in everyway I could be. I supported his decisions, I took care of him when he was sick and I even visited him as much as I could even though he was 2 and ½ hours away. I had the feeling I finally mattered to someone that wasn't just a friend but more. And then it ended on his accord, not mine. And I still have attachment to him. I've moved on as much as I could but a part of me will always be with him.


Come to think of it, that's how I am with most people I care about. I get attached to people and I can't let them go and I don't want to. I know my flaws and I can step back and see them but I still have trouble changing them. I like being with people who care about me and whom I care about but I never want it to end. I'm sure I have abandonment issues and attachment issues and many more things a shrink could diagnose me with but I don't care. If it causes me to miss people and happier times then so be it.

I know I need to be my own person and be able to live without another being but it's hard and I'm working on it; but I'm taking steps. I've at least moved out of my house. The next step after a while is getting my own place. ha ha ANyways . . . .

Just writing to get my thoughts out of my head and into reality lol but for now I bid you adieu.

~~Xhen
 
 
Current Location: Spar Oom
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Flogging Molly - The likes of You Again
 
 
xhenxhen
29 August 2008 @ 10:23 am
SO it's been literally forever since I updated this.

I'm sorry, I go through phases old friend, please forgive me.

LJ I'll treat you better this time, I promise. =P


ANyways.............

So it's official. I signed a lease two weeks ago and my stuff is in a Budget Rent-a-truck on it's way to chicago and i have a bus ticket from detroit to Chicago scheduled for monday! I'm outta here come labor day. WOOT! i leave at 6pm and get to chicago 11:20 chicago time (which is infact an hour behind us) But now you know.


If you want to get ahold of me I will of course still have this and email but i also have a street adress.


4226 N.
Whipple #1W
chicago, IL 60618

WOO HOO! =D

ANd to all those that were at my party, thank you and i love you so much!!!!!! And for those of you who weren't I love you too and I'm gonna miss ALL of you. But you can totally come visit, it's not that far, only a 5 hour drive but 4 with the time change.
: )
 
 
 
xhenxhen
01 May 2008 @ 05:15 am
I don't even know where to begin





I can't describe







I have no words






my brain is all mushy





I'm lost forever










btw, fuck god, there is no god
 
 
Current Mood: lethargicdistraught
 
 
xhenxhen
06 March 2008 @ 02:21 am
Hizzah!!!! I gotz myself a new car. It's my brothers old one but it's still new to me and it's like 100% better than my old one. It's amazing and rocks!!! ^__^ I love it and I'm gonna make this one my own, I'm gonna put tons of stuff in it. YAYS!
 
 
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: "The Sweater Song" by Weezer
 
 
xhenxhen
05 March 2008 @ 02:21 am
God, I never sleep at night anymore....................
 
 
Current Music: Brick by Ben Folds
 
 
xhenxhen
27 February 2008 @ 12:03 am
Ok so it's been forever since I updated this thing again but I'm trying. =P

Life's fucking shitty as ever but I'm trying to hang in there. It's taken a couple of unexpected turns but I'm coping and trying to stay positive.

I don't know if I'm still gonna be moving to Mt. Pleasant. MY brother and I got in a huge fight about me moving out but it's because he pretty much pointed out the truth that I'm not going to be able to make enough money to survive. Fuck him, why does he have to be right? I want to just try something for once, just to see if I can do it. But no; he has to sit there and slash my hopes and dreams by poking illedged holes in my plans of living.

Why does he have to be such a bastard about it? Why can't he be encouraging instead of malicious and mean? Why can't he try and help me instead of hinder me?

AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!! It just gets me all worked up thinking about it again so I'm just gonna leave that subject for a while.


So I'm buying my brothers car for $1000 since he moved to Amsterdam, pretty much for good now. I'm selling mine even though it's a POS but it's drivable at least. I'm getting like $200 for it from a frined, Tom. Yayness! And then i'm getting close to $800 back for my taxes so it's pretty much paid for as soon as that comes in. Wootness!

My job is sucking a bit less. Don't get me wrong, I love VG's but it still can be a pain. But they've been shipping me off to other departments because I'm awesome like that and can work pretty much anything. Ha ha. I liked working mornings though because I used to see Deepak but I didn't get any this week. =/ Trè sadness. Speaking of, he's got two new tats on his legs. On of Obiwan kenobi and the other is a yetti smashing a guitar. I've seen the first but not the latter.

Another positive note, I've been loosing weight. In high school I was 245 and the first time I went to the doctor back in september I was 225 and the last time I went, in January I was 218. Just working on steadily knocking them off. I'm trying to get down to 200 and then maybe set another goal form there. Go me!

Meh I want to go on and stuff but I can't thinkof more to say. My brain is tired and I'm gonna crash. Laterz

<3~~Xhen
 
 
Current Music: "FLinch" by Alanis Morissette
 
 
xhenxhen
14 February 2008 @ 01:11 am
Lenore and the fishy

Lenore

lenore

lenore

lenore

Lenore Stump

lenore

COMMAND

lenore

lenore, in bunny suit



Lenore
 
 
Current Mood: hornyhorny